Episodes
Ep. 283 | Our (Non-Beatles) Mount Rushmores Part 2
Now somewhere in the black mining hills of Dakota
There was a podcast made by a couple of fooooooools
The Gab Two are back at it, rounding out their Rushmores and crowning a couple Crazy Horses. Between blasts of dynamite and pallets of plaster, Tony and T.J. find out:
🎢 On the Mount Rushmore of defunct Chicago amusement parks, is Lincoln Old Chicago? (Answer: Of course not. Kiddieland is Lincoln, Riverview Park is Washington, the Showbiz Pizza Place on Kedzie is Jefferson, and the Sears on Lawrence is Teddy Roosevelt. The Crazy Horse slot is being reserved for Santa’s Village. #HeNotGone?)
🥁 What part of T.J.’s soul is missing that prevents him from appreciating the Glenn Kotche masterclass that is Wilco’s “Shake it Off”…?
⏱ Which will be finished first: this episode, or Crazy Horse?
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Ep. 282 | Our (Non-Beatles) Mount Rushmores
As the leaves turn “Drive My Car Orange” and “Nowhere Man Taupe” in anticipation of next week’s long-awaited Rubber Soul SDE, we here at UBP HQ are taking some time to honor a few non-fab artists.
With chisels and rasps in hand, T.J. and Tony carve away at the sacred Meigs Field granite peak, each revealing their favorite musical performers that aren’t John, Paul, George, Ringo, Jimmie or Purdie. It’s Mount Rushmore Beyond The Beatles!
Throughout this laborious process they also wonder:
📻🪗 Has radio station WKRP ever played Mike Post’s version of the theme to CSI: Cincinnati (aka “Squeeze Box”)?
🌶️🚽 Speaking of 5-way chili, I’m at a party and I feel a “Jammin on the 2” coming on… Where’s the nearest bathroom???
🎄💣 Did the Untitled Beatles Podcast just declare a War on Billy Joel’s “Christmas in Fallujah”?
Please feel free to share your Mt. Rushmore artists that aren’t The Beatles.
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Ep. 278 | The Year Without a BeatleFest
Listen.
Do you hear that?
Those are crickets.
Crickets at the Marriott Suites O’Hare, abandoned site of Chicago’s Fest for Beatles Fans. Unfortunately, there are no humans at this year’s festival as it has been postponed to retool. #KitO’ReToole
Some of the crickets are in ill-fitting Sgt Pepper costumes, others don obscure Beatles ephemera while wacking tambos to off-key “Yellow Submarine” singalongs, and a small number of lonely small-minded crickets are still wearing their pit-stained anti-Yoko t-shirts, repping for the original incels.
Oh and look!
There’s even an aphid who’s a Pete Best Look-A-Like and a corn weevil that’s dressed up like Freddy Krueger for reasons unknown.
As all the bugs scramble for crumbs of pre-packaged microwaveable hoagies while waiting for “Termites from Midge Ure’s Tour Bus” to perform a medley of deep cuts from Press To Play, the Goys of Dum Dum Lame, joined by Producer Casey, are here to gab sad about this year’s absence of fab community celebration. Let’s take a few questions from the crickets:
🎤 Why does Mike Love lip sync live in concert to RFK’s rendition of “Kokomo”?
🥽 With regards to the future of the festival, will there be a VR helmet to unsee “Give My Regards To Broad Street”?
🎵 Angry Drunk Chicago Cricket: HOW KUM DA KAREEOKE KARENS WON’T LET ME SING “GIVE ANT FARMS BACK TO THE ANTISH"?? WHADDOO DEY GOT AGAINST ANTS? MY GREAT GRAMPA WUZ HALF ANT!!
Plus Producer Casey has the boys play a game and T.J. reveals how many BeatleFests he has attended in his half-century on earth. Wait. He doesn’t reveal this. Well, okay. The answer is also a number associated with a Ringo Starr #1 from “simpler times.”
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Ep. 265 | Untitled Beatles Spring Cleaning
The guys are back (even if their voices aren't), and catch up on all the wild Beatlenews and Beatlereleases from the past few weeks.
It's been a hard day's fortnight, & Tony & T.J. have been working like dogs to buy, rent, or look at all the following:
New Paul album, new Ringo album, new John meditation mixes, new George Dark Horse label re-releases, new Wings documentary & soundtrack, new John concert movie, new documentary about Paul's lost bass, Evolver 62 documentary now streaming, and a new one-person show in Chicago about The Beatles by actor/writer (& Chicagoan!) Brendan Hunt, aka Coach Beard on Ted Lasso! Whew!
The guys also discuss how Bob Eubanks and Dick Biondi, announcing together at the Hollywood Bowl, both said "The Beatles" at the same time -- which possibly gave Eubanks the idea for The Newlywed Game, where couples try to say the same things about places where they made "whoopee".
Speaking of Dark Horse records, T.J.'s voice is especially dark & hoarse -- like George's voice on Dark Horse! Perhaps from running on a dark racecourse? And as George Martin says, dark horses for dark courses. But what about your father's dark horse? Of dark course, Henry the Dark Horse danced the waltz, & then the Beatles ate him in Germany for Christmas dinner. Very dark, indeed. (And...scene.)
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Ep. 263 | Ninth Beatle Bracket Part 2 (Windy City Edition!)
It's the end of March Fabness, and there's no time to waste in crowning the Official Legally Required 9th Beatle.
Spoiler Alert: it's all Chicago bay-bee! Slippers for only sleepers! Glass Onions! One Shining Martha My Duke you know what let's just play the episode, k?
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Ep. 262 | Ninth Beatle Bracket (Windy City Edition!)
Everybody clap your hands, the UBP is Happy Just To Big Dance With You! That’s right: it’s March Fabness once again, and that means it’s time to crown the official, legally-Calderstone-sanctioned 9th Beatle Bracket, A Ron Howard Motion Picture.
This year’s Beatle Bracket, much like the origins of the Fab 5, begins and ends in Chicago! From the Beatles BBC sessions recorded during the WLS Barn Dance, to the infamous rooftop concert atop Second City’s Pipers Alley parking lot, Chicago was the home of every significant Beatles event. Few will forget John’s touching tribute to his favorite retail emporium as a young tough, “Strawberry Marshall Fields Forever”.
And much as Eleanor Rigby darned her White Sox in the night while there was nobody there (“there” being a May day game at Comiskey against the Royals - NOBODY CAME), Tony, T.J. and Producer Casey face some Malort-worthy matchups, featuring 312-flavored Beatlefigures everyone absolutely knows.
And while you are only waiting for this one shining moment to arise, the boys must first settle some other business on the hardwood/hard would, such as:
☘ Did Howlin’ Frank Ifield invent Chicago blues?
🕶 Why in the fresh hell did late 80’s, Rose Records offshoot The Entertainment Outlet, always have so many $.49 cut-out cassette copies of Stevie Wonder’s “In Square Circle”?
💎🧻 (Angry Chicago Guy. He smells like a Jewel bathroom. Because there’s no cameras in there.) AIN’T NO BEATLES WITHOUT JANET DAVIES AND MARK GIANGRECO PROVE ME WRONG?
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Ep. 254 | 2026 Beatlehopes and Beatledreams
How late’s too late to wish people a Happy New Year …? How late’s too late to run a New Year Preview episode of a Beatles podcast? LOOK: THIS EPISODE DROPS JANUARY 31ST SO CLOSE ENOUGH.
We’re back, baybee! Join Tony and T.J. as they spend the better part of an hour writing down their deepest wishes for Beatle baubles in 2026, lighting them on fire, and releasing them into the night sky. And UBP GenZ Correspondent Skylar Moody drops in with reflections on the recent news of a BeatleFest furlough. Er, I mean the Fest for Furlough Fans.
As we pop the last of our unpopped poppers and nuke the last of our leftover Bears playoff jalapeño poppers, we ponder:
🔮🥁 Will 2026 be the year that Calderstone finally releases the Purdie tapes?
🔮🥫 Did Bernard “The Hitmaker” Purdie play on the jingle for Heinz Baked Beans, or French’s Mustard, or was it Spring Hill Ford?
🔮🏈 Is it also true Bernard “Mississippi Bigfoot” Purdie was a wide receivers coach for the Pittsburgh Steelers in the early 2000s, training former Super Bowl MVP Hines Ward at Heinz Field?
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Ep. 244 | Fabsgiving 2025
Greetings from America where it’s our annual National-Murder-A-Turkey Week! We here at the UBP Home Office at tropical Meigs Field are beyond grateful for our listeners, our friends, our UBP families, our Patreon subscribers, Kohls Black Friday deals, and US Postal workers, who deserve our respect and a damn TIP around the holidays.
This week, we show our gratitude for the many Beatles and solo Beatles projects in 2025, highlighted by the recent release of “Anthology 4”, which presents an exciting chance to buy “Something” (take 39, instrumental strings only) for the second time since 2019. (Who needs “Carnival Of Light” when you can have “Something” (take 39, instrumental strings only) on TWO pricey physical reissues?)
The Turkey Trottin Two share their gratitude, and discuss a litany of holiday-themed Beatles news and releases. And they absolutely never sound like grumpy old dudes who'd rather have a deluxe Rubber Soul than a full slab of Threetles vinyl!
Plus, in the spirit of the holiday season, they ponder/pander:
🏳🌈 How bright must a fella be to boldly boycott a major store for the wrong reasons?
🍋 Does talking about The Lemonheads count as talking about The Lemon Twigs? Or does that joke get a big old fashioned Evan Dand-NO?
💸 Is the the new $32 Zoetrope Vinyl of “Happy Xmas” backed with “Listen, Your Cash Is Falling”?
EPISODE LINKS
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Ep. 243 | Liverpool Drag
AT LAST, the guys are back from their fall hiatus, in which they frantically earned as much money as possible to fund the next 12 months of profit-less Beatles podcasting. However, they're still recording new episodes for the winter season. With that in mind, this week we dig back into the archives to present one of our favorite episodes that we're kind of surprised we haven't already re-run.... our 2023 Deep Dish into all things LIVERPOOL DRAG!
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Originally released November 11, 2023
What happens when you take the energy of Beatlemania and mix it with a helping of questionably written and performed Beatles-inspired songs? You get Liverpool Drag. Not the Beatles, but an unincredible simulation!
This week, Tony & T.J. examine the early 60's phenomenon of Beatle-inspired cash-in records. Are they good? Awful? Somewhere in between? The answer is, "yes".
Along the way, the Drag Duo ask:
📚 Since drag shows are unarguably killing our children, is the only solution to ban more books? Because, freedumb?
1️⃣ Who’s idea was it to exclude “Little Miss Margie” from The Manchesters “Not 1” compilation?
🗓 Come March 2024, should MadTV’s Bobby Lee become eligible for the Untitled Beatles Podcast 7th Beatle Bracket?
Place a mop atop your head, shake it like a mimeograph, and chant “yeah” 3 times, because it’s Liverpool Drag on the UBP! Wooo!!!
EPISODE LINKS
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Ep. 238 | 2025 Beatlefest for Beatles Fans
In much of the world, fall has arrived: a time for pumpkin spiced fajitas, cozy, warm L’eggs (TM), and candy corn suppositories.
But in the magical world of Beatlefestlandia, it’s always 85 degrees, Simon Kirke is hanging out with Eddie Deezen, and everyone gets a picture sleeve of Ringo’s “You’re 16”!
Let’s Huey Lewis and the Fake News (#Fox) our way back in time, to August, as we proudly present - in colour! - the global podcast premiere of “The Beatlefest for Beatles Fans”! BYO colostomy bag o'wine, as Tony, T.J., Producer Casey, P3Z-Nutz, and a Sgt. Pepper movie finale-worthy cast of thousands (tens?) head to Rosemont to kick summer’s lazy ass one last time.
Incredibly (bit much?), this year marks the UB3 (#Cantaloop) sharing the Fest for Beatles Fans together, as a trio, for what feels like the first time! Feels like the very first time!
Speaking of Foreigner, If the Roman Emperor from 54 to 68 AD, a.k.a. “The Antichrist”, was a fan, would he have been a Juke Box Nero? (Angry Chicago guy: AND HOW COME THEY ASK JAGBAG QUESTIONS NOW BEFORE THEY EVEN GET TO THE PART OF THE BLURB WHERE THEY SAY THEY’RE GONNA ASK DUMBASS QUESTIONS? AND HOW COME CHICAGO MEDIA DON’T COVER THE WHITE SOX NO MORE JUST CAUSE THEY AIN’T IN THE PLAYOFFS? AND HOW COME THE WOKE BLACKHAWKS GOT A THEME NIGHT DEDICATED TO…”)
Sssssh. He’s asleep. His snoring is disturbing, a tell-tale sign that he’ll die soon. His son is a dancer, doing “Carousel” in Peoria, and has a roommate named Raoul. Life is tragic for this broken soul, but the sun will rise tomorrow, and when it does, he’ll……
Ssssssh, this author is now asleep. Emotionally.
Fin.
EPISODE LINKS
Please support our scrappy show. Score some BRAND NEW MERCH or find us on Patreon.
13 Green Potatoes by MENDOZA on Bandcamp/Apple Music/Spotify! (and other streamers)